I haven't been posting here for a while because about mid-March some things began happening that have turned me into a complete, barely functioning basket case (as opposed to the incomplete, fairly decently functioning basket case I usually am). I won't go into detail, but the outline is:

That's it in a nutshell. Some of you know who the so-called "friend" is; for the rest of you, it really doesn't matter for the purposes of this blog.

 

I've said before, that my motto (one I developed many years ago, that has gotten me through some incredibly difficult situations) is: Never give up; never give in; only change tactics. Giving up and/or giving in should never be options. They cause you to lose your own personal power. They strip you of your dignity and hurt you at least as much as the fight. But sometimes changing tactics can seem as though you are giving up; not so! Sometimes you have to "move on" in order to achieve your goals, and sometimes your original goal cannot be reached (because of this tremendously annoying thing called "free agency") and a new one must be set. But surely you've heard it said that the best revenge is to be a success?

 

<digression>I really don't like the phrase "move on" because it implies, at least in my mind, a certain amount of "giving up." It sounds like you've just dropped everything and gone a different way, with very little, if any, serious consideration of the overall situation. Call it semantics, but "changing tactics" suggests that you've thoroughly considered all your options, you've seen what works/has worked and what doesn't/hasn't, and you've now changed your methods to conform to that.</digression>

 

Anyway, I know what the lies are, I just don't know why the lies are (I could venture a guess, but what's the point? - and don't Grammar Nazi me, I know that's poor grammar, it was intentional). And it's not the content of the lies that have been the source of my wound anyway - and being lied to can often beat out physical pain in a side-by-side comparison - no, it's not the content, it's the fact that he lied at all.

 

I know there's been a lot of junk floating around Facebook about how if someone lies to you it's because they didn't think you were worth the truth, as in, being lied to is predominantly your own fault, but I think that's only part of the problem; see, it ain't all about you. There's a certain undercurrent of fear that goes along with lying as well, and that's the sole responsibility of the person doing the lying. But regardless of it's cause, lying is not an answer to your problems. I don't know what he thought he was gaining by lying, but if he had been honest with me from the get, I can guarantee I wouldn't have reacted the way he thought I would have. You see, I'm not an unreasonable person, and I never, at any time, lead him to believe anything, so if he had fears, they were solely of his own creation - he needed no help from me, thanks.

 

This whole episode has really tested my reserves of strength, and in my darkest moments (the ones in which I wasn't actively cursing him to God) I've been tempted to just give up. Fortunately, I was blessed (or cursed, depending on which side of The Depression you're standing on) with the spirit of a dragon and a bull, and previous soul-searching has given me the tools to come out of this alive (despite how alluring lying down and dying is, it serves no purpose), and one of those tools is music. And every now and then, a certain song will give me the answer I wasn't able to find on my own.